Under the new guidelines of no more than two standard drinks per day, I have on occasion been a binge drinker.

My top two beers of choice are Coopers Best Extra Stout (1.9 standard drinks per bottle) and Coopers Sparkling Ale (1.7 standard drinks). I have at times had two bottles in a sitting, and thus, am a binge drinker. Rarely, I'll have a small amount of cognac, my favourite spirit, or maybe a little port. Or maybe a few too many shots of cinnamon liqueur or Baileys.

Usually though, I will have no more than one, perhaps with dinner. When out for drinks after work I'd be hard-pressed to have more than three pots before feeling bloated and wobbly.

I guess I'm lucky.

Lately, only half joking, I've been thinking a beer a day is edging toward alcoholism.

Looking at the rules another way, they're saying one heavily alcoholic drink per day, every single day, is perfectly fine and dandy.

Perspective.

When a detective leaves a message on your answering machine, what are you to think? Is it my family? Are they in trouble? Maybe someone I know did something wrong? Maybe something happened in my neighbourhood and they're looking for witnesses. Maybe I did something wrong. Did I speed? Go through a red light? Was my IP address hijacked for something illegal? Has someone zombified my computer, using it to send trillions of viagram SPAM emails a minute? Has someone complained about our dog barking? Has someone kidnapped the dog?!

But surely all of these cases would involve a policeman, not a detective, and probably a knock on the door, not a phone call. And why didn't they call my mobile?

Perhaps they got my number from the phone book. Are they cold-calling people with my name?

Or maybe, the obvious, a wrong number. My return call was the expected amusing, "so why are you calling me?". He wanted the local gym (which I'm sure is a cesspit of criminality). We occasionally have calls from people wanting the gym, I believe it's one of those transferred number problems.

Either way... we now officially must redo our answering machine message to be clearer. This was much less funny than the poor old woman who calls randomly yelling for "Ella!"

I also now know that detectives work on Saturdays, but not after 5pm and not on Sundays.

I took one of my growing collection of brothers-in-law to go for his drivers licence yesterday. He failed. He apparently did 70 in a 60 zone. On driving back to the area later he saw that the road was 80 and changed to 60 after a set of lights. The 60 sign was obscured by a tree.

I failed my licence the first time. I performed the entire test perfectly. The last stretch of road was a highway that was usually 80 but was changed to 40 for road works. Everyone was doing at least 60, except me. I needed to change lanes from the right lane across two lanes to the left lane. In doing so someone behind me (who was speeding) had to put their breaks on to let me in. I failed, because someone had to "take evasive action" to avoid hitting me.

I was furious. And I was paranoid about left-hand merges from that day onwards.

I passed the second time, and I'm sure my brother will do the same.

What has always struck me, and was re-enforced on Saturday, was the double standards of driving laws for the Learner to Probationary cross-over, vs. those that are actually enforced on the road.

If police enforced the traffic laws as strictly as driving licence testers, everyone would lose their licence weekly. Hit a curb, instant fail. Go over the speed limit, instant fail. Cross the white line at a red light, even by a tiny bit, instant fail. Frighten another driver, even through their own stupidity, instant fail.

It's insanely frustrating for a learner trying to cross that magical hypocritical perfect-driver line, just that once, knowing you'll never be tested to such a strict level ever again...

If only the roads had traffic police enforcing our road laws. I've always thought being pulled over by a police officer for speeding, tailgating, or other dangerous activity would be a thousand times more of a deterrent than an fine could be.

I'm told this happens from time to time...